Merry Christmas, Jelly Bean!
We loved you before we even knew about you. You have brought us much happiness and hope. Your daddy and I have many dreams for your future. We love and appreciate each moment we have with you and can’t wait to officially meet you in June (so please, stay put!). We long to hear your first screams and look into your eyes. Yesterday, we learned whether you are a boy or a girl. Both of us are just ecstatic and can’t believe how blessed we are. I’ve already started calling you by your possible name. Your dad is sticking to Jelly Bean- the name he coined, by the way. He thinks it should be your real name, too. Don’t worry… With a last name like ours, I’ll fight for you to have a simple, beautiful name. After our appointment, your daddy wanted to go to the toy store to purchase your first Christmas present. We bought one for Ella, too. Both gifts are sitting under the tree. We can’t wait to spend next Christmas with you.
All of our love,
Mommy and Daddy

Dear Daddy,
It is my second Christmas without you. I still can’t believe you are gone. You cross my mind several times a day. Just this morning I thought of you when a friend made a comment about her neighbors bbqing out in the freezing cold. I have so many memories of you bbqing in twenty degree weather when we lived in Boston. When I think of you at Christmas, I think of all of the yummy food you’d prepare for us to munch on. I still miss your pigs in a blanket- the one time of year you could catch me eating hot dogs. We always loved how you would go shopping and get us gifts that you picked out by yourself. Brook and I always teased that you could put together an outfit better than anybody. I certainly hope you aren’t alone this Christmas. I hope you are loving on Ella for me. All of my love.
Your baby daughter,
Bree

My good friend, Kathy gifted this beautiful book to Ella for her first Christmas. In the story, Fancy Nancy helps her best friend, Bree (I swear!) plan a butterfly themed birthday party. At the end of the book, (sorry, spoiler alert. LOL) Fancy Nancy visits a butterfly garden where a little blue butterfly lands on her- exactly what happened to me back in April. The best part of the book though, is the note Kathy wrote inside:

“Dear Ella,
On your first Christmas, we sure wish you were here, we wish we could know you and play with you and chase butterflies with you.”

Kathy, this book means more to me than I can put into words. Thank you for remembering Ella and for all your support this year. I will treasure this book forever and look forward to reading it with Ella’s siblings.

Many thanks and much love to Emalee, Kenner’s mom for taking this picture of Ella’s name in the Utah snow this weekend.

A friend of my mother-in-law’s painted this for me. She didn’t even know about my obssession with butterflies. It is so beautiful. One of these days, I’m going to have it framed.

Some of you may have been fortunate enough to “meet” Sarita, another mom who lost her precious daughter, Meredith Helen many years ago. I received this beautiful “E” collage in the mail from her last week.

I also wanted to include a picture of the precious ornament my friend, Amber gave me last week for Ella’s tree. However, my shaky hand would not allow me to take a clear picture this morning. But, I just wanted to publicly thank her, as well.

Thank you again to all of you for your kind and loving support this year, but especially over the last few days. I wish the world weren’t so large and that we weren’t seperated by so many states (and some of us, oceans). xoxo

**By the way, I’ve successfully exported my blog over to wordpress. As soon as I work through a few kinks, you all will be invited over there.

I am paralyzed with fear. I haven’t left the house in days. Contractions at only 14 weeks? This can’t be a good sign.

Sadness + Fear + Anger = Not Good

Yesterday was a horrible day. I balled up on the couch and cried for hours. I miss E so much. I can’t bear the thought of Christmas without her. I made my husband tell his family again, NO GIFTS! All of the gifts should have been for her this year. I cannot sit around and pretend to have Christmas without her. Tears were also shed over this baby. As hard as I’m trying, I really have no control over this one living or not. People in my real life don’t understand this fear. It can so happen again. Pray, beg it won’t. But, it can. And, if it does, it will be my body’s fault.

The cherry on top was the extortion letter I received from my mother and her fawyer (fake ass lawyer). I started to have contractions immediately upon receipt. Her claims are false and she will never receive a dime of my $. I have been through so much. Now this, at the same time of carrying a very high risk pregnancy. I will NEVER forgive her. If you notice, I deleted my last post because I felt bad for saying I wished she had died instead of my dad. I take it back. I wish I would have left that post standing. She’s endangering my pregnancy now.

Yesterday, was the nine month anniversary of Ella’s birth/death. My friend, Nimoli brought over the most adorable cupcake with Ella’s name written on it in pink. I’ll try to add the pictures here later.

My friend Kathy introduced me to the most adorable baby clothing website. When I saw this outfit, I wanted to buy it right away. This would have been the perfect Christmas outfit for Ella. I’m not a traditional, dressy type of girl. This is more my style and I know people would have gushed over Ella in this outfit!

When we arrived at L&D, we were greeted by the nurse who assisted with Ella’s delivery. The nurse who placed her in my arms and told me how beautiful she was. Since it was near shift change, another nurse shortly took over. I knew her too. I really enjoyed being around these women. They talked about Ella at length with me and expressed how joyful they were to see us again. I loved that they knew our story and understood that I was feeling ultra anxious (I had 2 ultrasounds and heard the hb on the Doppler 3 times- loved that). I really enjoyed the TLC and even teased that I wouldn’t have minded staying there til’ June.

When the OR finally opened up, my nurse literally sprinted me down before another Emergency C section popped up. The actual surgery part was quite possibly the worst experience of my life (however, I’d endure that everyday if it resulted in a baby). I even remarked that it was more difficult than delivering a dead baby. The anesthesiologist must have poked me six times before he realized I needed more numbing meds. The pain was excruciating and I was wailing. I dislike feeling numb very much. I hated my EPI with Ella and I hated this even more. Another comment I made was that I hate the numbness so much, I may attempt natural childbirth (should I be lucky enough to reach that point). Next, my legs were placed into these giant ropes suspended from the ceiling. It was quite humiliating. I’m so glad my husband declined my doctor’s invite to come in the OR. I was awake the entire time and practically hyperventalating on the table. I loved that my OB came to assist the perinatologist with the surgery, but I was so glad when it was over.

It took a few more hours for the meds to wear off. After no food or drink for 18 hours, I was treated to a delicious hospital sandwich. Not quite the meal I had been dreaming of all day long. But, at that point I would have eaten cardboard.

Finally, at 7:30 pm I was sent home. Once again I was wheeled out of L&D listening to the cries of other babies being born. Wheeled out empty armed, a bit sad, but happy to at least have one in my belly. We were both so tired. The husband slept til’ 2 today. I’ve been lying in bed trying to keep my fear and anxieties over every little twinge at bay.

I guess now we just wait with hope that this does the trick and this baby stays put until June.

**This entire post was typed out on my I.Pod. Hope there aren’t too many mistakes.

Thank you Mackenzie’s mom, Ashley for making Ella her first stocking.

Ella received her first Christmas gift this week. My sister made a donation in her name to the March of Dimes. Thank you, sister!

I made my donation to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I didn’t use their services, but I know many people who did and the pictures I do have of Ella are a treasure. Because we love our pets and hoped Ella would too, my husband plans on making his donation to the local animal shelter where we adopted Cassidy three years ago.

Thinking of you all. Hope you are finding ways to get through the holidays. XOXO

Anyone watch Desperate Housewives? I’m pretty sure Lynette is going to lose her twins next episode. In a way, I’m kind of happy that the media is going to portray such a loss. I just hope they do a good job with it. We’ll see.